I am a badass, I just forgot

Last night, I finished the “onboarding form” for my call today with my social media coach. It had about 20 questions over several pages and it took me multiple days to fill it out. My coach encouraged me to write as much as I wanted in it. I took that to heart. I can’t keep doing what I am doing. I am playing it too safe. I am desperate for progress right now. I want change. I found myself experiencing many emotions. Regret, doubt, fear, anxiety, sadness, grief… but I also experienced happiness, hope, excitement, and gratitude.

I was warned about this. My coach said: “This is going to be emotional”.

I cried filling out the form, multiple times, on multiple days. I wasn’t sure why, but I think I had a breakthrough in my mind last night while working through it. Just writing it all out, asking myself the questions, and thinking about it was brutal. I realized there’s like another version of myself who I have shunned.

And now as I write this. I am grieving the loss of him.

A version of me exists that started doing pickup to break through his social anxiety. The one who got the highest score in the whole class in data science, the one who told his friend Martin that Martin’s dad couldn’t buy his love, the one who approached the 4 girls on the couch at the club just to show his friend Michael that he “could”, the one who tracked calories for 750+ days in a row without missing, working out and walking laps for 4 hours daily on the morning shift because he had huge dreams. He is smart, bold, direct, diligent, persistent, strong, courageous, and powerful. The people around him feel it. He makes them feel these attributes inside themselves too. He is influential.

Let’s call him “Nick”.

My friends Michael, Aaron, Shawn, Martin, Yves, Patrick, and more have all met Nick.

Aaron remembers Nick well. Nick convinced Aaron to join him in high-fiving over 100 college students on CU Boulder’s campus just to get the thrill of being in control. The two literally “got high” on their own brain chemicals that night. Was it cringe? Hell yeah. That’s the point. But it was also fucking awesome.

Patrick remembers Nick. They started working out together. They lost weight, gained muscle, and ate donuts in the parking lot of King Soopers on “cheat days”.

Patrick, Yves, and Michael know Nick was a savage at the clubs. Approaching girls, chatting them up, and making it look effortless at times. Nick was actually terrified, but he also was hungry for results. He wanted to be free. So he practiced and worked at it relentlessly until those nights had just happened.

Michael less fondly remembers Nick as the one who took him to the clubs on a Sunday to goth night and danced his ass off for a few hours. It was weird, goth night wasn’t what Nick had hoped for that night, but he was going to make the most of it.

Sorry about that, Michael. I was a little wild.

Nick felt the same feelings, but pushed through. Life was challenging him, but he was tough. He did hard things because it was his choice to do it. He had ultimate control over his body and mind. The body and mind are tools, not shackles. He can do anything.

Nick didn’t do pickup because he wanted a GF, even though he did, he did it because he was FUCKING SICK OF FEELING LIKE HE CAN’T. That version of Nick had gone to homecoming with his high-school GF and couldn’t dance with her because he was afraid of what it would look like to his peers. He was ready to be rid of all the limiting beliefs he carried. Pickup was just practice for the real thing. He did it because it was hard, and that made it a target. A 12 hour 4 AM shift followed by a hard workout? That’s just opportunity. That would be the new normal so he could go even further. No hard limits.

He is wholesome, relentlessly supportive of himself and others dreams, passionate about goals, and gets what he wants from life. He didn’t tolerate those around him describing their limits either.

Friend: “Nick, I can’t do that like you do. You are a natural at this. I —”

Nick: rudely interrupting — “Yes you can. I am not a natural at this. I struggled just as hard. It didn’t come easy. Do it anyway. Just do it. You can do anything. Fuck your mind and fuck society’s rules. Those are all just in your head. If it’s not illegal, you can. No one is stopping you but yourself. Start believing in yourself.”

But at some point I felt shame about him and I lost him. I forgot how it felt to be Nick. Nick feels like an abandoned child in my mind. So young, so naive. He doesn’t know that his greatest weakness is for his creator to forget him entirely. How will he defend himself against that? What will happen when he loses his body and mind entirely to himself? Then what?

And so now — in this moment — I grieve him. I miss him.

(Yes, I used “em dash”, fuck you.)

But I am still him, he is in there.

I remember researching the fitness programs, learning to track calories, drinking the Kale + Spinach protein smoothies, and reading the forums for support. Mirroring the advice from others who has walked the path I wanted to take.

I had those experiences. It feels like a video but it’s not, I was inside that mind while it happened.

Nick struggled hard. IT WAS NOT EASY. I can still remember the countless nights where Nick drove an hour to Denver, failed to approach anyone, and drove home in tears. Some nights were just brutal. But on a few nights he broke through. He met strangers, talked with them, and it was a success! Just one conversation could change everything. That was a win. I can still remember some of the pickup lines. “What’s your favorite vegetable?” Yes, that one was common. Yes it was silly. That’s not what mattered. It mattered that I was doing it anyway.

And I am proud of Nick. He did all of that? Holy shit. That’s fucking cool. I wish I could be him again. He’s in there. Waiting. He never quit. He’s still in there. Right?

I don’t know how I never stopped being Nick. I am you.

Welcome to the future, Nick.

We did it, by the way. We got super jacked. We’ve had hot girlfriend(s). We have incredible friends. And we also have a good job. Your cat passed away though. I know you loved her as much as I did. It’s been hard without you. I’ve done the best I could with what I had. It wasn’t always easy. And I haven’t forgotten to do hard things. Some of you lived on in me through sheer principle. Your philosophy and beliefs have lived on inside of me while you were away even when I didn’t know it. Thank you for instilling those learnings in me. They’ve served me well. I am grateful all that you did to get me here.

I know I’ve been a bad caretaker. I’ve abandoned you. It’s true. I am so sorry.

I promise to not forget you again.

Let’s do this next step together. You and I.

• Nick

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